'...and I live by the river.'

London: what to say about it that hasn't already been said? So here is another list.

A list of London-ish things and realizations.

• There is an exit off the Underground which takes you straight to Big Ben, and believe me, there is a reason it's called 'Big'. (I'm sure there is also a reason it's called 'Ben', but I don't know it.) I stood there, like a complete twit, staring up at one of the world's biggest national icons not believing how close one could actually get to it. I teared up, no joke. (Also I am aware that the bell is called 'Big Ben', not the clock tower.)
• The language least spoken in London: English.
• It's a bit hard to find a palace guard that one can take a picture with. Remember Eurotrip? Well there is a reason it's called Hollywook magic because it is actually fairly hard to find a palace guard that wears a bearskin. If one is to find him he is usually inside the palace gates, and unless your name has a title attached to it you can't really get in there. If you were to find the two in the whole of the city that aren't inside the gates, they will be surrounded by a mass of other people. Good luck getting close enough for an intimate picture while 60 other people are pushing their children at armed guards.
• Out of all the McDonalds in all of London my friend and I happened to be in one at the same time as three other people visiting London from Ormskirk.
• No one cares if you are American. Unlike in the North West, where people are always commenting on your 'lovely American accent', the people in London can't be bothered to care.
• It is ridiculously expensive. A cocktail in Ormskirk: max £4.50, and that, to be fair, is pricey. A cocktail in London: £7.25, and this is a fairly basic cocktail, like a double vodka and RedBull
• There is a reason they call it a 'hole in the wall'. Restaurants like this in cities are not like the 'hole in the wall' you will find in a small town. It is not an old pub which has stood the test of time and secretly serves the best steak and ale pie known to mankind; it is a shady chinese buffet which gives new definition to the term 'mystery meat'.
• London is so crowded with anxiously hurrying people that there will be a time in your stay there where you will break down to your lowest low and want to physically hit an elderly person for throwing you off a bus.

The All-mighty Spud

British people love their potatoes. Mash, hash browns, jacket potatoes, chips, fries, crisps, for every single meal or every single snack, practically every single day there are potatoes and more potatoes. I thought Americans were bad but this is almost a religion. If it weren't for the historical evidence I would say that the great potato famine was caused by the English stealing all the Irish potatoes. Needless to say it's been nigh on miraculous I have made it this long in England without having the all-mighty spud à la cheese and beans.
When I first saw people gorging on jacket potatoes smothered with redish beans and white cheese I sat aghast thinking "My God! What are you doing to that baked potato?" Only, this isn't a baked potato. It's a jacket potato, and as I sat there for the first time looking at it with its brown waistcoat all smothered in a pool of beans it called to me. "Eat me," it said. And as I took the first bite I asked myself, "why hadn't I tried this earlier? Why had I wasted my time with warm paninis who could only wish to be all that this mere potato was?" It was fluffy and the cheese was gooey and sharp and tangy and the beans were runny and tomatoey, and I inhaled that potato as if it were my first and last. I loved that potato so much I essentially power-walked to the library so that I could write my experience down. A new world has opened up to me: little jackets dancing about with not only cheese and beans, but tuna and mayo, and chicken and mayo, and any other thing the English could possibly put on the white fluffy little bastards.

An English to English Dictionary

Here is an ever growing English to English dictionary for all you American kids out there eager to fit in with the cool British ones.

alrite? = WARNING: this does not mean "are you alright" as in "how are the conditions of your state of affairs? Are you feeling/doing okay?" English equivalent to American "Sup?" Do not answer with "Yes, I am fine," you will look stupid.

arse = Ass, as in buttocks, not donkey.

candy floss = Cotton candy.

chav = Stands for council house and violent. American equivalent is "white trash" or at times, "tool". This term is fairly offensive and should not be thrown around like rice at a wedding. If someone calls you a chav resist the immediate urge to hit them as this will prove their insult. Instead laugh at the fact that they are probably too drunk to walk home and thus will have to waste precious money on a taxi.

cheeky = This word has slightly different meanings depending on the situation and circumstances. It can mean naughty in playful manner, or at times even rude or obnoxious. "Cheeky" can also modify nouns, as in "I bought a cheeky loaf from the bakery" which translates as "I bought the last loaf in the bakery just because it was there and I felt like it." Other examples:
"Where is Alex?"
"Oh, he is out having a cheeky fag." Which translated is: "He is out smoking when he should be quiting, the cheeky bastard."

cheers = Thanks.

chips = British equivalent to the American french fries. Often eaten with gravy, or cheese, or for the connoisseur, cheese and beans.

crisp = Potato chip.

fag = A cigarette.

fit = This does not relate to the athletic fitness of a person, it means "hot."

jacket potato = A baked potato. Seemingly used because potato appears to be wearing a jacket. Can be served with beans and cheese or various other toppings of goodness.

kip = A nap or a good sleep.

pants = WARNING: not to be confused with American equivalent. This means underwear. Do not go around saying "Nice pants" or "I'm not wearing pants, I'm wearing a skirt" unless you wish to be slapped or "pulled". Whichever comes first.

piss = This word is used often and in various different circumstances. To "take the piss" can mean to go too far or to make fun of something. See pissed and pisstake.

pissed = Royally drunk.

pisstake = Something that is so pathetic that it is a complete joke or something annoying.

to pull; As in "pull a girl/boy", "I/he/she/ pulled last night" = One of the most difficult to translate. "Pulling a girl/boy" means essentially hooking up.

slag = Unpleasant term for a girl/woman of loose morals. At times used affectionately between friends.

ta = Thank you very much. See cheers.

waffle on = To go on and on and on about something.

well = Word used in front of adjectives to emphasize meaning. Ex. "She was well fit." "It was well good." "You are well ugly."

Through the Looking Glass

When one thinks of studying abroad the ultimate question is "Where to go?" Most people would think that because I chose to study in England I'm copping-out, but even when I feel like England isn't very different than the States I almost always eat my words.

The differences are quite literally like day and night. During freshers' week in England the days of filled with bureaucracy and the nights filled with borderline hedonism. There are events every night from fancy dress parties, pub crawls, and in the case here at Edge Hill even a mass takeover of a three story club in Liverpool. I might as well dye my hair blonde and put on my blue frock, because I have officially stepped through.

Painted girls who are proper ladies in the day drink like men, polishing off pints like they are going out of style. The boys walk around the dance floor posing with bottles of the European equivalent to Smirnoff Ices, sporting haircuts that are more expensive than mine. And I can't help but look around and wonder "When did I take the Merseyrail into Wonderland?". I can't see because there is so much smoke and so many strobes I feel slightly epileptic and paranoid because amazingly, even in a sweaty thrall, I feel alone. But even though it's quite different and frightening, it's the best fun.

The University almost seems to encourage students to go out and party, especially during freshers' week, and to this American this is the strangest most foreign thing imaginable. But then again, the attitudes here are different. They seem to understand how to balance nights of partying with studying and writing papers in a way I have never seen before. The older generation looks not on the younger with contempt about the chaos they cause. They do not look at them as if they are anything but young people. Here the adults seem to understand that this is what goes on when one is young, and they seem to never have forgotten that they too were young once and stayed up until four pressed up in a tiny pub full of sweaty people with nine o'clock lectures in the morning.

Other things I learned my first two weeks in England:
Boys expect the first move, which is a. utter crap in my opinion and b. surprisingly accepted by many of the girls.
The student union has a bar, which to be true is common enough in America, but how often does a person in the states see students drinking pints (and in rare cases vodka and Sprite) at noon in between classes?
You have to really try to get arrested by the cops. If the cops "break up" a party they essentially just tell you to keep it down. No scatter drill required. Things that will get you arrested: punching a cop.
A quick way to a man's heart is by telling him you drink Heineken. Or by downing a pint. Or making fun of him. Whichever comes first.
Boys do, indeed dance.